Town Hall Meeting

Due to global economic weakness, St. Nick does not have enough money to pay his elves, reindeer, or packaging costs. In this light, Santa has gone to Washington, DC to ask for a slice of the bailout pie.

“Although many of you have been naughty, authorizing the bombing of innocent people in Afghanistan and Pakistan, Iraq and Somalia, I am willing to give you a gift anyway, in return for $12 billion,” Santa said, speaking in front of the House Committee on Financial Services.

It remains to be seen whether Congress will okay the Santa bailout. “We have given over $1 trillion already to banks, insurance companies, and mortgage lenders,” House Rep. Barney Frank said. Multiple congressmen admitted they would probably pass this bailout, because they would miss their Christmas gifts too much. When asked why Santa should be considered for a bailout, House Rep. Spencer Bachus said, “It’s one thing for gross, poor kids to not get any toys on Christmas, but when my kid is affected by Santa’s financial struggles, well, it’s time to take action.”

It was noted that Santa did fly his usual private sleigh and team of reindeer. There were only 8 reindeer however, as Blitzen was sold to Donald Trump in Santa’s first tranche of liquidating his assets.

Eat your heart out Onion!